Depression

It’s normal to feel lost and confused when you first get news that someone close to you has a terminal illness. You may feel all kinds of emotions and not be able to control them. The first task is to digest the news and make sense of it. It’s difficult and it takes time. Stop and reflect, think about your questions, and look for information before you do anything or make any decisions.

A good way to start is to reach out to people and services related to palliative care. It’s best to know what’s available and make contacts before there’s a crisis or a major change in your dad’s condition. Your father will have a health care team or a palliative care team to help support him and you. These health care providers can help you and the rest of your family deal with the emotions and the changes to come. If you think you’d like to talk to someone about this, don’t hesitate to ask.

It’s normal also to not know what to say. In society generally, there’s discomfort with talk about death and dying. Many people have never faced it nor had to care for someone who is dying. We have so little experience with death that most of us are afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing. Usually we say nothing and try to avoid the whole situation. Open communication helps everyone. You’ll realize that you share similar emotions and questions, and together you can ease fears, find answers to questions and reach out to health care providers for help.

Learning to live without your husband, and adapting to a very different life without him is a demanding experience. This period is the most difficult, especially if your loss was sudden or unexpected, and if you didn’t have a proper chance to say goodbye. It’s part of the grieving process to feel immense sadness and miss the person who died.

Each person grieves in his or her own way. Often it can be overwhelming and isolating. Many people go through a time of numbness, often described as walking through a fog. Some people have vivid dreams or daydreams that their loved one will walk through the door as if still alive. Some people try to avoid the pain by keeping busy. While others wait for the pain to subside on its own, but it often resurfaces without warning. It may be especially overwhelming on anniversaries or holidays, with special songs, in shared places, or with specific people or memories.

Generally, people need to confront the pain and the loss, in order to work through the grieving process. Some people find writing regularly in a journal can help work out the pain. You may find comfort in writing a letter to your husband, or in finding some other way to say goodbye.

Grieving can be very difficult to do alone. Talking with trusted people can help. Trusted friends or family members can be much needed supports, and can help break down a sense of isolation. It may help to see a counselor to talk about your experiences and feelings. Think about joining a grief support group. There may be value in hearing how others are dealing with similar loss, and in knowing that others too are feeling pain and grief. If your area has a hospice or palliative care association you may want to contact them. Often, they run bereavement programs, or they can refer you to such a program.

Grieving takes time. Some people say that grieving the death of an important person never ends; it just changes. As time goes on you’ll continue to think about your husband, or feel his presence, but your emotions won’t be as overwhelming as they are right now.

Sometimes grief is especially complex and hard to work through. It often happens when there are several deaths close together or when the person who died was central in your life, as your husband was. Such situations may lead to depression. Feeling isolated or overwhelmed can increase that risk. It’s important to be aware of this. Symptoms of depression can be similar to symptoms of grief. Notice especially if you can’t eat or sleep or you can’t get interested in things that used to give you pleasure. Depression is serious because it engulfs every aspect of our lives and distorts the way we feel about the world and ourselves. Often it can’t be resolved alone. If you’re concerned about your emotions, it’s important to talk to a healthcare provider who can help you find support, resources, or treatment if necessary.

A life-limiting illness is one of life’s most stressful experiences imaginable. The person who is ill may feel nobody can really understand what he is going through even when friends or family are trying to support him. Family and friends may feel frustrated that their efforts to care are not more appreciated. Ultimately you cannot control how your friend approaches his dying. However, you can decide how you want to continue your friendship with him.

Living with serious illness usually brings intense thoughts and feelings that fluctuate from day to day, even moment to moment; the experience is often described as a “roller-coaster of emotions”. A life-limiting illness brings the loss of many things, for example: independence, capacity to enjoy familiar activities, and ability to carry out usual roles. Your friend may be experiencing grief for these losses, and this grief may include a deep sadness, a sense that life has become meaningless, and a desire to get it over with. Your friend is likely struggling in uncharted territory with how to live when so much has changed and death looms.

Witnessing the struggles of someone you care about can leave you feeling helpless and anxious, and you want to find a way to relieve the suffering. You just want your friend to enjoy his remaining life as much as possible and to be at peace. We encourage you to browse through these and other articles about emotional and spiritual health. They can help you to further understand your friend’s struggles and offer ways to respond to them:
Living with Limited Time: Exploring Feelings
Finding Meaning and Purpose During a Health Crisis

You and others close to your friend can be supportive by letting him know it is safe to be open about his struggles and to vent the thoughts and feelings that go with them. If he seems uninterested in your company, don’t take it personally. See it as an expression of the dark place he is in. Let him know he is important to you, and that his experiences during this period of life matter to you. Open up conversation about how life is changing for him and how your relationship is changing because of this.

Be real and honest in your conversations with him. Let him know how you feel when he talks about ending his life and what you imagine the impact of his suicide would be on you and others who love him. Talk to him about why he has been important to you in the past and about the ways he continues to be important to you. There is no script for such conversations. It is usually best just to say what is on your heart and mind, and to do what fits for you.

Ask him how you can share time during his illness in a meaningful way. Share your own ideas with him. Ask him what he needs from you as a friend. For example, would he like you to call him at a certain time each day to check in? Would he like you spend certain periods of time with him? Are there practical errands or chores you can help with? Is there some aspect of his care that you can help with? Take your cues from him. Give him a sense of what you can contribute to the companionship and support he wants and needs as he grows weaker. It is important to be realistic about what and how much you can commit to. Be honest with yourself and with him.

As a serious illness progresses, and health problems increase, a person often worries about what lies ahead. Your friend may wonder how he will cope with pain, increased weakness, or reliance on others. He also may question whether he can be cared for at home and where he will die. Ask him about his concerns and encourage him to discuss them with a member of his health care team. He may cope better if he has information about managing his symptoms, available support, and options for receiving care. You can also suggest contacting the local hospice palliative care program to explore how others in the community might help your friend. You may wish to gather information and explore sources of support for yourself. Learn more about services available in your area and how to get connected with this cross-Canada directory:
Programs and Services

If your friend continues to have thoughts about ending his life or talks about a plan for doing this, encourage him to seek professional help. It is important for him to have phone numbers he can call for help. These can include numbers for his local palliative care program, mental health program, local or provincial crisis line and his health care team. These resources can help you locate the nearest crisis support services:
Canadian Crisis Response Services list
The Canadian Association of Suicide Prevention